Slipping through my fingers

It has been a week since I had that weird day. Luckily, I have a very stable routine that I won’t let go of. I’ve learnt that many times. I was focusing more on what I love this week and those are, connections, training, yoga, writing, and food.

Decided to bake cinnamon rolls. For some reason, baking is very therapeutic to me. I think I am considered an old school person in the kitchen. Don’t really have loads of gadgets like a kitchen aid etc. The only ‘fancy’ things are my Le Creuset ceramic baking dishes. One day, I would love my kitchen to be composed of that brand. So, yes, I am an old school baker as well like my grandmothers are. As I was kneading the very sticky dough, I thought, if joy could stick to me like this beautiful messy thing, I would be a very happy person. I know we need contrast so we understand life so I will never wish to be always in the same mood. I am a poet after all, so I like searching depths, but this week I felt that whenever I tried capturing a nice and breezy moment, it was slipping through my fingers. I don’t know why.

I made the rolls and devoured 5 of them with a large glass of milk. No shame whatsoever. They were so good. The rest I gave away to some special people in my life. I really hope they liked it. If not, oh well, what can I do.

I contemplated joy, love and if there are any right ways of handling and doing them. If there is such a thing. Like, if I see someone happy, I am very happy for them and can fully share their moments and I also feel this immense energy. The same goes with love. I love love and I am not short on it either. If anything, I might have too much of it and if I don’t put it somewhere, it turns on me. But this is where it gets tricky. If love is unconditional and uplifting, then it would not turn on any of us. So, my conclusion was that my mind might be playing tricks with me.

If I see my friends, I don’t hold back and just tell them how much I love them always. I don’t even expect to hear it back. Then, if I see the person who I feel this deep connection with, I send them love silently and I am just grateful to be in their presence. Until we part our ways, and something takes over. Or rather that love suspends, and this weird feeling unfolds. It is not sadness, fear nor anxiety. I know them very well and they are all welcome in my world. It is a heavy and slow feeling. I cannot describe it any other way. When you just feel that something is missing or not right. It weighs me down a bit and then disappears.

Limerence came to mind. I had that once and it was very intense, but things don’t really add up in this case. I don't have an intense longing or anything like that. It is not even an enormous experience that I go through. Rather subtle. My selfish parts do come up and do a full-on dramatic show. I let them have their moment and they leave. This is where I got for now. I know I’ll find the answers one day and having to write about it really helps.

Slipping through my fingers for now but soon you will be found.

Keep breathing.

Love,

-              A