Chocolate babka
Another contemplation when baking. I think I’ve found one of the root causes of my ups and downs this week. It has to do with my birthday, which is just around the corner. Whenever another ring closes in, I get into this hermit phase. I go deeply inwards. I am lucky to not have a lot of the concerns my peers carry around. They are usually weighed down with the idea of ageing and making it big in this world. I never had that. Especially ageing. It is an inevitable process, so I was always appreciating the passing of time. I guess it also relates to depression and reaching nadir like moments in the past. Whenever that happens, my time stops completely. I get frozen in life and a day can feel like a year or even years. Our perception of time is quite relative anyways.
With the making it big thing. I have ambitions and dreams, but I don’t consider them very big. I’d like a stable life where I am happy (there we go cheesiness again!) with kids and a husband. Having a husky is essential. Love their graceful yet playful characters. Maybe I am a husky at heart. Ok, I am digressing from my points.
Hermit phase. Yes. That’s it. I get into this mode of searching. Usually looking back at the year and how it went with all those experiences. All the transient visitors I met alongside my travels and very memorable moments. If I had to categorize the past couple of years, then 2019 to 2023 was a sinking period for me. One of those slow burn, hitting rock bottom situations. I have a poetry collection coming next year from that period so I will save the details for later. Then, 2023 onwards, change and transformation have been the guiding principles. Very intensely, but in a greatly uplifting way. That does not mean it has been all cheers and joy. It was certainly different than before. And here we are, another year almost gone. It was action packed but I would still consider it one of the best years so far. I extended my family with a lot of beautiful souls. It went so easy. One after another we just felt connected and went onwards. That’s when you know you are at the right place and time. The other, not so splendid marker was a breakup almost 6 months ago already. That was devastating, but I can’t be brought down for too long.
I decided to make chocolate babka as a treat for myself. It is one of my favourites. Brings back memories when I would bake with my grandmother. I always switch up the filling. The dough is in the fridge now, and I am thinking about the filling. Chocolate, lots of it, and maybe dates and pistachios. Is that going overboard? Who cares! My thoughts went to the place as the dough was forming, that maybe I am ready to get back in the dating game. Not in the regular way. I don't believe in apps. Been there done that and it was always the same people. Not knowing what they want and all that. But that thought allowed me to realize that I do feel a bit of a loneliness creeping up my back. I know having someone is not a guarantee for not feeling like that. However, the rest of my life is good. So many exciting things are coming. My first haiku collection next week. Then I also recorded two new singles which will be releasing early next year. The holidays are also around the corner, and I cannot wait to spend it with my family. So, this sounds pretty good. And loneliness has been identified. It will stay for a while, probably. The rest is yet to be unearthed. The babka will be finished tomorrow. Maybe another thought will come up and I could rename this page to A’s baking diary or something like that.
Keep breathing.
Love
- A