How did this happen?
In the past few days, I’ve been feeling…displaced. It was one of those situations when all you try to do to keep yourself going, fails. I have my own yoga practice, journal, and write poetry which is a great tool to reflect and search the depth of one's being. I teach yoga, I work out, I have friends who see me, value me and love and I do the same to them. I feel the reciprocity of give and take daily. I have a therapist, and I have done years of therapy at this point. I believe we need to uncover most that is within us and drop all that is unserving. Be it because of our environment, our parents, borrowed desires, or our own. It is not even the idea that if one does all these then that would mean everything will be like skipping through a field of wildflowers with fairies.
Yet, I found myself choking on my own tears in the bathtub on Saturday. It was the first time I did not want to cry because of the pain I felt. It was becoming physical. I tried releasing a scream but couldn't. I was reckless. Had my arms wrapped around me and prayed to God to make it go away or to give some sign of what I should do. I would do anything if you told me. I don’t mind dealing with shit. I know I am strong but for a second, I wished to pass out and never be awake ever again.
I love people and our brief time we spend here. I could talk all day and night with strangers about their experiences and lives and how they see the world. I don’t judge anyone as I am familiar with sonder since I was a teenager.
So, how did this happen? I see so much disconnect in today’s world it feels unbearable. I open my socials and see this fake reality everyone is trying to be a part of. It does not matter if I look at the hot guys, girls, chefs, gurus, writers or even the empty anecdotal stories on frigging linkedin! Like, what is going on? I can think of 20 people who are close to me, and they have been trying to find a job for months now and nothing. And yeah, I get the whole ‘never give up’ and ‘keep going’ again, very empty encouragements. They are not doing it for me, nor I think to a lot of us but there does not seem to be an alternative. If the deal is that you trade your time for money, then where can I trade it? If the deal is that we are social creatures wired to connect deeply, then why is loneliness taking tolls like never before and where are the individuals who want to connect? If the deal is that we need to reproduce, why are most of my friends childless if they live in a big city, they grind nonstop, or they don’t have the money, or they don’t have a suitable partner to do this with. If the current deal of life today is all that, then why is it not working at all?
I will be selfish now. Where are you? I need you to show up! This can’t go on like this. We perfectly created hell and did not even realize it. I don’t have all the answers. Maybe I don’t have any answer, but I contemplate, think, observe and see so much misalignment it is unbelievable.
Sometimes I envy those who don't care. The ones who can just turn everything off and be very selfish with only I in mind. I tried that but did not take me too far, clearly. This whole thing is so messy. So, how did this happen? Please, tell me!
- A