Hindering Holiday

I love Spain. Whenever I go, it feels so vibrant and relaxed compared to London’s anxiety ridden rush. People seem to take their time to enjoy the every days and even though we’re all connected, they don’t look like they’re carrying the weight of this world and all the tosh that’s happening in it. 

I booked this trip back in July when the last slender string of stability got cut by, life, I guess. It was one of those “I need a sign” seconds and I just got an email promoting Malaga. Why not. I intentionally booked for the weekend of my birthday. Otherwise it would’ve been me being nudged by people to do some sort of a gathering. Don’t get me wrong. I love hosting and parties, but not these times. It feels like I need be focusing my energies inwards.

This is not going to be a what to see and to do in the beautiful Malaga type of entry. It’s rather a what went on in me as I was exploring the streets, talking to strangers and eating way too many desserts. (My sweet tooth sometimes has its moments)

I don’t usually book activities besides yoga classes whenever I visit a place so I went around town and observed. That’s how inspiration starts. I catch moments. A mother wiping off something of her kids face, an elder walking their dog with a smile, the sunlight breaking through the leaves of the orange trees, the taste of grilled asparagus with Iberian ham and fresh bread whilst two waiters release laughter as they joke about something. These tiny seconds get planted in me and then, sometimes they bloom and sometimes they rest forever.

I met someone on the first day. He seemed nice and we chatted away most of the afternoon which then lead to dinner and then the inevitable hotel room invitation. It’s funny, because a couple of years ago, if you’d tell me that this will be happening to me, I would’ve been so disenchanted and dismissive. I would not have believed something like this could happen to me. I didn’t really have self esteem, confidence nor faith in myself. 

I didn’t go to his room. I was way too tired and I really value the time I dedicate to my self. Maybe he took it the wrong way because the next day he said that he was tired. I find it very amusing when things like that happen and I didn’t mind that at all. I just smiled and we said our goodbyes. I hope your bday party goes well, Mr. W!

Some of my experiences got hindered. And that’s what I don’t get. Why? I felt I had to be clinging to the precipice of the cliff of faith otherwise I’d be drowning in sorrow. This fluctuation is so interesting. It doesn’t stay for long so it’s not like I feel bad for half a day. These are random moments that last max an hour. I’ve identified some triggers and those will remain unspoken until I pieced together the missing parts. The rest, they were the most random ones. Like, I was tasting a chocolate biscuit at a store, having a lovely conversation with the store lady, and out of the blue, bam, all things went cold. I left and sat down. 

I know examining everything all the time is not the greatest thing and letting go is the best, but this is what is weird. I can’t seem to let go. It’s as if I forget everything I’ve learnt and done for more than a decade now and I end up fixated on this unknown tension. I think it’s unknown for now and it will bubble up to the surface. Probably it’ll take patience and I’ll have one of those struck by lightning moments. That’s how major realizations happen all the time. But, tasting chocolate? Or maybe the way she was smiling at me? After all, anything can be a trigger. So, there I was, in between triggers, releasing tension, smiling at strangers as Malaga was turning into a bead of memory. My frame of solace is the impermanent nature of feelings, emotions, and life itself.

Take care of yourselves. Let go of all that needs to go. I am trying to do the same.

Keep breathing.

Love,

- A