I peeled the tangerines

It was a shift that I felt deep down. Whenever I would visit my family, they’d do anything no matter how old I was. As soon as I stepped through the door, the washing machine would turn on, my favorite food was steaming on the table as we shared long hugs as if we had not seen each other for years. It was never the case. I always try to visit at least two times in a year and December’s holiday period is forever sacred no matter where I go and live on this tiny rock.

Somehow, everyone came down with the flu besides me so I ended up sorting out a lot of bits and pieces. Last morning I found my grandma in the living room standing on the armchair trying to reach the upper shelf for a sweater. She was only wearing trousers and nothing on top. She gets in these moods where she thinks she can do everything but clearly her body is slowly fading away. I sat her down and got some clothes out of the wardrobe and dressed her up. There was something so humbling in that. I think a lot of people feel disgust towards an old persons body and aging in general. Our society has been built on this idea that aging is something we must avoid at all costs. Look at all the stars who get these up dos where they look completely different. I don’t really care about who does what to their bodies, it’s one’s choice and that’s it. 

Seeing my grandma like that made me think a lot of this. Her body was like a map of the life she lived and I did not even feel a slight opposition to help her, even though we have a full time nurse helping around. She asked for a cup of tea and then went back to her paintings.

Then, I visited my mom. Her cough was quite bad so she’d be in bed watching something. I asked if she wanted some fruit to which she replied yes. As I went through the pantry, I found some apples and tangerines. This is what she would bring me always. Peeled apples, sliced into bite sized peaches and tangerines. So, I started peeling the tangerines and put them on my favorite plate which has red flowers painted on it. I gave her the fruit as she sat up on the bed, in her pajamas, she looked and smiled. She said thank you. I think this was the first time I peeled the tangerines for her. 

Time is a funny thing. Especially when we capture its sneaky passing against ours. I experience it peculiarly. Some days feel like years and sometimes, a year feels like a couple of months or weeks. This year feels like it has been 5 years if I look back. I don’t regret leaving home and exploring. I rather think of these moments as bittersweet pauses we are given to take a deep breath and re-evaluate. We are here for a brief second so let’s peel each other more tangerines. Our embers will slowly fade away and you will know when it is time to go.

Keep breathing.

-A