Escape Plan
We finally caught up. And by we, I mean me and my self. I stopped trying and as always, that is when the magic happens. There it was coming in like water coming through a demolished dam wall. This year was a lot. Leaving my 9-5 job back in May was the first nail even though I was preparing for that to happen. Going from being a project manager, running 15 client facing global projects was very consuming but as with everything, one gets used to the stress, demands and all that. Those things slowly chip away from your being even if you are great at giving excuses and reasons for yourself.
Secondly, a breakup happened. It was not a very long relationship. I am still waiting for something like that to happen. However, it certainly was a deep one. Well, at least from my end. Caught me very off guard when and how it happened but now I am very grateful that it did, and I don’t have to engage in lies and dishonest behaviour. I am still wondering when that became the guiding principle to not play honestly and open yourself up to another person who you are connecting with deeply. Playing an act is very difficult and most of you would not have the bandwidth to go along with that character for longer than a couple of months. I guess that is also a good thing. This was a situation where it could have gone on for years, having foundations on lies and building on it with more. I know a lot of individuals who had that done to them for 15 or more years and their stories sound so devastating. I feel for them all and I do understand how years could go by. So, when did this happen exactly. Yeah, we have all the apps now where everyone is trying to sell something they are not and all that. And then loneliness is on the rise, mental health is in the bins, people keep subscribing to this empty practice of chasing, orbiting, ghosting, hoping they will find someone who is better. Better than what? Better than their selves? Hate to break it, but most of the people I have met had some sort of weird thing going on and when I asked if they ever considered therapy, none of them said yes. It is so interesting.
But I am not here to tell anyone what to do. I do wish people would start questioning a bit more and not blindly believe that is being offered to them on a tiny black mirror fit perfectly for palms. Although, the size of those things is getting bigger and bigger.
Anyhow. First and second thing, and then I went around the world for a while. Asked the same question in front of the Himalayas, then on a bench in mount Koya, then on the streets of Rome, and on the full moon lit skyline of Istanbul. What is next? What am I doing here? What is missing? Am I at the right place? It is curious how we take our baggage no matter where we go. I was given plenty of new perspectives and advice, but the feeling was still there. Once I returned to the big smoke, I also had to move houses which is only relevant, because I have not moved for about 7 years prior to this. Packing up all that was accumulated and massively decluttering was a heavy task.
I am certain now was the time that all that grief and change could come to the forefront and do their job. Grief. I did not know it was that. I only felt pain. But I told my therapist the pain was so overwhelming I could not breathe. She was the one who said –‘if it is pain about the past, then you are dealing with grief, nostalgia and letting go. If it is pain about the present, you are dealing with something you might not be able to control and expectations. If it is pain about the future, then it would be anxiety and giving up on hope’ – this hit me to my bone marrow. I think my pain is about all of that. The past, present and future. That is why it was so intense, but it seems to be getting better and better as I come to terms with this new reality. And this time, I do not have an escape plan like I usually do. I would have plan A to Z in the back of my mind. Now I don’t. It is just this for as long as it could be. And then, who knows what will happen. I will write about it.
Keep breathing.
Love,
- A